


And A Partridge In A Pear Tree

by CinnabarMint



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: 12 Days of Christmas, Fluff and Humor, Fun, Humor, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:42:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24416830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CinnabarMint/pseuds/CinnabarMint
Summary: Gabriel, are you trying to marry me off?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 132





	And A Partridge In A Pear Tree

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CandyQueenAO3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CandyQueenAO3/gifts).



> So, this is what happens when I’ve had a bad day and @CandyQueenAO3 distracts me. Some of the dialogue is her’s actually. Enjoy!

The bell above the bookshop door rang.

“I’m so very sorry. We’re- Get out!” Aziraphale said as he walked from the back room to the main floor.

“Angel what’s wrong?” Crowley emerged just behind his Angel and snarled at the Archangel Gabriel standing just inside the doors. “Well, if it isn’t the Archangel Fucking Gabriel. What are you doing here?”

“We have been investigating ways to finally get rid of you Aziraphale.” Gabriel looked at the angel with disdain. “Since we can’t do it by force. We are hereby removing you from Heaven’s jurisdiction. You are to be banished into the Demon Crowley’s custody. By Heaven’s tradition we must pay him your worth and be rid of you.” The last sentence had left Gabriel’s mouth as if it was bile. “And since you’ve very clearly chosen Earth…”

“What does that even mean?” Aziraphale asked, posture tense.

“It means that by Heaven law you’re his problem from now on.”

“Oh, like a Dowry?” Crowley asked, finally catching on.

“What do you mean a Dowry?” Aziraphale gasped, “Gabriel, are you trying to  _ marry me off _ ?”

“Like I said.” Gabriel snapped his fingers: a potted sapling with a bird perched on it’s branches appeared in the middle of the bookshop. “Demon Crowley, you get The Principality Aziraphale, and a partridge in a pear tree.”

“Why a partridge in a pear tree?”

“Heard humans saying it once.”

Crowley examined the leaves of the sapling. It would make a fine addition to his greenhouse, “Well, I do like plants.”

“Crowley!” Aziraphale sputtered, indignant.

“What?” Crowley raised his glasses, “It’s a pear tree. You like pears! And look at this bird! It’s cute and fluffy like you.” 

The partridge, intent on saving his life, made partridge eyes at Aziraphale.

Aziraphale sputtered some more, “You can’t believe I’m only worth a pear sapling and a partridge.” Aziraphale glared at both of them, “neither of you can think that.”

“Aziraphale, shut up. I’m paying way much more than what you’re worth.” Gabriel stated scornfully.

Crowley got pissed at that. He was about to tell this wanker of an Archangel where he could stick his partridge in a pear tree when a thought occurred to him. If they accepted, Heaven would be off their necks for good. No one said they couldn’t have fun while doing this too.

“No, no. My angel is right. He’s worth so much more.” Crowley sat on the settee and miracled himself a tumbler of whiskey, “Why don’t we begin this negotiation properly. Archangel Gabriel, we accept this partridge in a pear tree as a goodwill offer”.

“You have to be…”

“Ah ah ah,” Crowley tutted at Gabriel ”We negotiate this in the old way. It’s Heaven’s Tradition after all.” He winked at Aziraphale and patted the other cushion so that Aziraphale would sit by his side. Aziraphale’s brow burrowed slightly in confusion. Gabriel remained standing, a vein starting to pulsate in his temple.

“Why don’t you take a seat, Gabriel”. Aziraphale said.

Gabriel miracled a chair in front of the settee. He looked at Crowley with murder in his eyes. 

Crowley smirked and started his game. “You see, Gabe, that partridge right there will get lonely and die in less than a week. And a Dowry that perishes before the wedding becomes null. So let’s insure the little guy’s future. We’ll be needing two turtle doves as well”

“Fine! Make it two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. You can have as many fucking birds as you want, Demon.”

“Well, that’s good because Aziraphale likes his breakfast...”

“He doesn’t need to sully his celestial body with gross matter”. Gabriel made a face.

“Do you really wish Aziraphale to be so uncomfortable on earth that he decides to come back to Heaven on a whim?” Crowley raised his eyebrow. Gabriel bit his retort.

“Three french hens, so we can have French omelet. And four calling birds as well.”

“What do you need four calling birds for?”

“My dear fellow”, Aziraphale said. Trying to stiffle his laughter “If I remember correctly your words were  _ You can have as many fucking birds as you want. _ My soon to be Fiance is only negotiating according to Heaven’s terms to honor you and to Earth’s terms to honor our future residence.” He looked at Gabriel with cold eyes, “We have not asked for anything outside of your power. Have we, oh mighty Archangel Gabriel?”

Crowley smiled at Gabriel, mockingly.

“No, it is perfectly within my power.”

“Now onto Earthly traditions” Crowley clapped his hands, “Five Golden Rings. For the ceremony.”

“Why do you even have to have an earthly ceremony?”

“Gabriel, do you really want us to marry in the lobby where any of your soldiers can see?” Crowley spat. Gabriel paled. “I thought so. Five golden rings for the ceremony. You better start writing this down.”

Aziraphale passed Gabriel a notepad and a slightly sticky pen.

“Oh, my dear! How could you forget. We’re not done with the waterfoul” Aziraphale reached for the closest book: Homer’s The Iliad. “Gabriel, according to this manual on Dowries the idea is to cover the expenses of livelihood. We have already set a very basic precedent.”

“That should be enough!”

“Please remind me how you would like Lord Beelzebub to hear of this and mock you about Heaven’s inability to offer a proper Dowry at the next corporate meeting.” Crowley tsked, “So inspiring for Hell to hear their sworn enemies are striving for resources. Michael’s gonna love that.”

Gabriel looked from Demon to Angel with his mouth wide open.

“So, Gabriel,” Aziraphale peered into his book with a serious frown, “ Six geese a-laying, and seven swans a-swimming. That would complete the  _ birds _ section of the negotiation.”

“There’s more?” Gabriel didn’t know whether to yell, sputter or hurry the fuck up and be done with this.

“Yes. The following part of the negotiation is the Ceremony”, Aziraphale looked at Crowley, “We have already established the need for rings. Let us move along”.

“Have you ever been to a wedding , Gabey Gabe?” Crowley looked at the Archangel, “No? Well, we’ll have guests and they will need to be fed and entertained. Refreshments must be offered, that would require 8 maids a-milking, ethically sourced.”

“We don’t want Heaven kidnapping anyone, we’re not in the fourteenth century anymore”, Aziraphale pursed his nose in distaste.

“For the party. Now we wouldn’t want any angels dancing, they could harm someone. So we will have to make do. 9 Ladies dancing must be just right”, Crowley said and glanced at Gabriel, who by now, looked slightly dizzy.

“And,” Aziraphale looked at Crowley, “Ten Lords a-leaping”.

“But that would leave one lord without a lady to leap with.” Gabriel was starting to sound manic.

“We understand that Heaven’s got the best Choreographers, Gabriel. I’m certain you can make it work.” Aziraphale said with a smug tone to his voice.

Gabriel made more notes in his pad. Anything to get rid of that stupid principality.”Are we done yet?”

“Almost,” Crowley took another sip of his whiskey, “What are we missing, Angel?”

“Music, my dear”

“Ah, what would you prefer? Flutes, drums?”

Aziraphale considered. “I do believe I would like to have both.”

“Both?” Gabriel asked, incredulous.

“Both.” Crowley said with finality, ”An ensemble of 11 pipers piping, and 12 drummers drumming.”

“Of course they will be drumming, what else would they be doing?” Gabriel murmured.

“Now, to continue onto the housing part…” Crowley chuckled.

“What?” Gabriel almost ripped the notepad in half.

“Crowley, dear,” Aziraphale closed his book, ”I think Gabriel’s been quite generous so far. Let’s leave it like this.”

“You’re sure Angel? We haven’t reached a tenth of your worth.”

“I know, my love. But they’re doing this in goodwill”.

“Well, that settles it.” Crowley looked at Gabriel, magnanimous.

“Gabriel, would you read all that back to us to make sure you got it right. Bottom to top, please.” Aziraphale’s laughter escaped a bit.

Gabriel sat straight and squared his shoulders. He glared at Aziraphale and started reading.

“For Aziraphale Principality, former guardian of the eastern gate’s Dowry. Heaven needs to give:

Twelve drummers drumming

Eleven pipers pipping

Ten lords a-leaping

Nine ladies dancing

Eight maids a-milking

Seven swans a-swimming

Six geese a-laying”

“Five Golden Rings”, Aziraphale reminded him from the settee. Gabriel scowled.

“Four calling birds.

Tree French hens

Two turtle doves

And a-“

“Partridge in a pear tree”, Crowley finished, grinning like a maniac.

Gabriel stood from his chair. “And then he deals with your shit, Aziraphale. Are we clear?”

“Crystal”, Aziraphale said with a serious face.

“We will let you know when the wedding is, so that you can send the maids, dancers and musicians. The rest you can send tomorrow”, Crowley clapped Gabriel’s back, ”Good to see you Gabe. Ta!”

Gabriel looked at them, the corners of his mouth downturned in disgust. He snapped his fingers and left. As soon as he disappeared Crowley and Aziraphale burst into laughter.

“I can’t believe the wanker bought that”. Crowley wheezed.

“Oh but Crowley,” Aziraphale’s brow furrowed in concern, ”What are we gonna do with eight maids a-milking? The lords and ladies we can send home as soon as the wedding is over. But the employment for the maids?”

“We can send them to Mary Hodges, have them start a business of their own.” He tilted his head in order to kiss Aziraphale when he froze, his mind replaying everything that just happened.

“What’s wrong, my dear.” Aziraphale asked.

“The Dowry, and the wedding and you and me. Ngk!” Crowley swallowed, ” We’re not even together yet. Do you actually want to marry me?”

“Oh. Silly serpent. Of course I want to marry you. I love you, you idiot.” Aziraphale sighed.” Not really how I wanted to propose, mind, but if this serves to expedite the process a little, I’m all for it.”

“Oh” Crowley pulled Aziraphale from the lapels and kissed the sense out of him. Aziraphale hugged Crowley and kissed back with 6000 years of love finally released.

“I love you too, Angel”, Crowley said when they separated. He nipped at Aziraphale’s nose. “And just so you know. I would have married you anyway. No need for a partridge in a pear tree”.


End file.
